Recycling Our Thinking, Our Habits, Our Very Souls! "Confronting...Ourselves!" James 3:13-4:3, 7-8a; Mark 9:30-37 - September 20, 2009

You can almost hear the sound of discouragement in Jesus’ voice when he says, “What were you guys arguing about?” I wonder if his shoulders dropped as they had no immediate response….the second time not one of them responded.

So often, just like them, when someone tells us something hard or asks a hard or awkward question, we too often don’t know how to respond and so we don’t respond at all. We go silent.

They didn’t respond to the truth about Jesus’ life and death. They didn’t respond to his follow up question. It says to me they were afraid…maybe intimidated, maybe confused, maybe unsure of what might be asked of them (and they didn’t want to know), maybe too embarrassed to admit they didn’t get it. So they avoided the hard issue by switching the subject from Jesus to “who is the greatest”.

They not only don’t respond, they switched the subject. And they get pretty “small”.

Now…Have you ever been in a spot like that? At times, each of us doesn’t know how to handle what’s going on so we divert our thoughts and everyone’s attention to another subject. We do that as individuals, as the greater church, even as nations.

The thing lifting up this story is that both Jesus and the disciples, as the story progresses, do the unexpected. Jesus could have been very upset, thrown his weight around, incited a conflict between them. Yelled something “uncivil” at them. Done blame and shame. Instead he digs deep within himself, confronts himself…embraces his intentions. He confronts them and focuses them on the real issue: God’s great love for all people. No one is greatest! And the disciples, instead of making excuses or escaping the moment, stay to hear. Do you stay to hear?

Jesus keeps everyone in relationship during a very tense situation. Most often during tense times or explosive times, we feel so threatened or inadequate or embarrassed, we choose to attack or pull back. Fight or flight. So often we explode situations into sides or fractions creating a “war” rather than risk confronting the real issues. Why sure! ….cause that would mean we’d have to own our own stuff, self-reveal, share our feelings. But without confronting our real issues, nothing changes and we relive the same arguments over and over again, energy is diminished, and eventually, people leave ….relationships, the church, community involvement.

Confrontation is scarey because you just don’t know what might happen next if you take the high hard road in, rather than the low easy road out. War…conflict…lack of civility…..is easier. In those scenarios, you’re either a winner or loser but either way….you don’t ever have to look within or deal with the issues that created the war/conflict to begin with.

Do you know what I am talking about? Each of us has a story….

A few years ago now, I got really mad at my son Patrick. I can feel it like it was yesterday! It had been coming for a while. At first I wasn’t really aware of it…then I really was. Patrick had no idea. I knew that…but I guess I expected him to be able to read my mind and my heart because he’s suppose to love me. Sound familiar? *Here at church/in the world we get mad because we feel he/she is suppose to volunteer, give of their resources, be frugal, carry their weight, be nice. Why don’t they get it? And so we get mad at them and they probably don’t even know why.

One day I reached the boiling point. *Here at church/in the world we would say we had had it with the unfairness of the situation and start reacting instead of responding to the really real. When he called to say he and Jackie would be coming back in town in a few minutes and be over, I told him I did not want to see him…I was mad at him and I just didn’t want to see him…in fact, don’t come at all Pat…let’s just not see each other the rest of the weekend. He was stunned. Why Mom? Because I am sssooo mad at you Pat! *Here at church/in the world if you’re really mad you would say you’re quitting…or you would gossip, avoid the other, try to get others riled, you’d toss the good out with the bad, redefine civility to accommodate you, forget your grounding and why you are really here.

OK, now listen to Pat’s response to my proposal of conflict, my avoidance of the real issues. He doesn’t tit for my tat, instead he said, “Mom, I don’t get it. You are so mad at me you don’t want to see me?”

And when I heard his response, I felt pretty petty (like the disciples probably did) and God tapped me on the shoulder and said to me…careful Karen. I went quiet for a minute. Pat continued…Pat confronted….Well, we’ll be there in a few minutes mom. He was staying in relationship. Defining himself. I ate crow and I told him I respected his courage to come when it wasn’t going to be easy and the door would be open but I still wasn’t sure I could see him.

Now when he got to the house, I wanted to run up in my bedroom…ashamed, not knowing how to respond, now as disappointed in me as I was mad at him, still mad at him. How on earth could I save face? *Here at church/in the world there are times people are faced with how to return after acting out, too. Some people never come back because they don’t know how to save face and we don’t make it any easier. How sad…for everyone. But you see, Pat wouldn’t play war with me, be uncivil with me….we had never been at war with each other before and he wasn’t going to start now. *Has someone ever done that for you here at church…refuse to play war with you? Confronted you in a way you could respond rather than lock you into a position of self-defense or escalating tensions? Come face to face with you instead of turning their back on you? ( In war, you don’t have to look into your enemy’s eyes…or your own for that matter. In confrontation, you do. And if you don’t’ see them or won’t see them, you don’t have to deal with the real issues…you don’t have to “love” someone you can’t see.)

Pat called me to be bigger. He switched the subject to the issue. Whatever was making me mad, he’d deal with it, we would. Pat had the wisdom to stay in relationship, with that as a focus instead of “mad” as the focus, he moved forward, toward me… .even though I bet he was a bit afraid…of me. *Here at church/in the world, in your bigger life, when the going gets tough, do you move away from others rather than toward them? A silent treatment or an abusive war so you don’t have to look into the other’s eyes…or heart…or your own heart.

He came into the house. I was waiting for him in the kitchen not knowing what to say. He simply came up to me, stood about 6 inches from my face, open expression, and said nothing. He confronted me with kindness and understanding. His wisdom was reflected in actions that were pure, gentle, full of mercy, peaceable. He was the adult. He was my Jesus in that moment. He was wisdom incarnated. I felt loved just as I am. I have experienced the adult/the Jesus in so many of you, too!!

Well, I had to laugh. He did, too. We hugged each other a long minute. And he asked me if we could talk. We talked a long time. I realized how I had expected things of him he could not have known about and how getting mad about it or ignoring it would only make it much worse. *Here at church/in the world, don’t we often expect things of others they don’t realize or things that are unrealistic? At home or at work or at play, don’t you really expect others to read your mind or do life your way or live up to your silent expectations?

Pat realized he had not been paying attention. *Are you paying attention to the issues and people you say are important? We both had teary eyes and I told him how much I respected him for caring enough about us to confront me. I love that kid! *Here at church there is deepening respect as we confront rather than conflict situations, too.

Here at church/in the world we are learning…learned a lot and a lot to go…yet, in our lives….

*So often I…we…each of us….go to war….instead of be at table with each other.

*We hide behind false subjects to avoid real issues….at the dinner table.

*We bait and switch or shame and blame…around the conference table at work.

*We create false divisions rather than own our own agendas or needs…around the meeting table.

We get all these little wars going…never resolve a darn thing…just postpone them.

Now confrontation doesn’t necessarily mean the issue is resolved. But at least everybody in the issue owns their own stuff and things often stay in perspective. There is a place to begin to begin.

*So when someone is continually late for meetings, the subject is not the issue.

*When someone yells at you over and over, the subject is not the issue.

*When someone expects more and more of you, the subject is not the issue.

*The issue is almost always an unmet need within them that gets projected onto you in the form of a conflict. And sometimes it may not even be in your consciousness; you project your issues on others.

There’s so much we don’t know. We go so fast in our lives, how would we ever have time to know…..ourselves!

Wisdom is sometimes discovering what you don’t want to know.

Wisdom is about staying in relationship during the hard times…it’s about facing the situations we either create or find ourselves in. Wisdom is being honest with yourself and acting with pure intentions, in ways that are “peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy.

The subject…of who was the greatest…was not the issue.

But Jesus doesn’t yell at them. He focuses them on the real issue by confronting them and asks them to look within…perhaps to an emptiness that pressed against them in ways that caused them to bicker about what wasn’t important….so they didn’t have to deal with what is important!

Sounds familiar. Here's where that James passage comes in. We murder parts of ourselves and others, covet and set up disputes and arguments, ask for what we don't really want in order to fill a void in our lives. We’ve been in-culturated to want what is easy. We want what will make us feel good quickly and bring us pleasure in the moment instead of really listening to our hearts, naming what we really need. When we ask God for help in fulfilling our deepest needs, we know it won't be a quick fix or a fast return...so, many of us simply don't ask…..we don’t want to go there. We won’t be recycled! We’d rather argue instead. Arguing doesn’t confront a thing…but it conflicts everything!

Take a deep breath, take the long view. Living a “with God life” is a process. Faith, the passage in James tells us, is the life lived wisely…. and wisdom is slowly built. To be truly whole, to recycle your thoughts and habits…and very soul….requires understanding and understanding requires staying in relationship and that takes time and worshipful, intentional work.

Are you willing to confront….yourself?

Jesus came to help you change yourself from the inside out, to confront yourself and bring forward your wisdom addressing the big issues of your life…rather than avoid them, blaming others for them, jumping all over others about them.

He sits you on his lap just as surely as he sits the child…welcomes you. He welcomes each of us personally, one at a time….and that may take a long time…unless each one of us begins to truly welcome the other, especially those no one else welcomes.

You can almost hear the sound of discouragement in Jesus’ voice when he says, “What were you guys arguing about?” …when he asks you what you are arguing about. But Jesus doesn’t walk away mad, or go to war with you, or ignore you. Instead he gets closer and offers another way, another focus, helps name the real issues you can really give yourself to. Making ourselves the center of the universe is a short-sighted agenda that quickly damages those around us and ourselves. We deserve more…we can recycle our lives….for good